love where you are

My life was a waiting period, a self imposed limbo, in which I flew in meaningless circles expending fuel and thought, and thought and thought about how great my life would be once I found love.
And now protesting words so muted over thunderstruck realization, to find what one has actively sought for so many years, to put the proverbial period at the end of this great sentence, to bypass prior impatience and uncertainty for that which is infinite and true.
For even after we have departed thus from this earth, this love, the utter content of my whole heart, will carry on.
And the regret that I possess is that in the aforementioned waiting period, though I did pursue my goals, persist in my hobbies and perpetuate the bonds of friendship and family..
I failed to realize that those moments, those small steps upon the greater path were the "living" and that I could enjoy the first part of the journey "alone" while stepping towards the hopeful destination.
I was fortunate for the time relegated for introspection and character development, whether by God for myself, or life/fate/circumstance for others, afforded me a due date when felt I was thus ready for the second half of my journey. The journey to be shared with my life companion; unbeknownst to us both, walking the same singular line towards each other, perhaps in different paradigms or processes but nevertheless our shared destination being our commonality.
And the retrospective clarity I now possess is that my time "alone" did not render me less of a whole person, but rather helped me to develop into a better person, that I may now actively and maturely contribute to this wonderful partnership. For back "then" I would not have been ready.
Please don't repeat the same mistakes. Embrace the status quo in pursuit of betterment of self. Don't settle for less, however don't think less of yourself if you are still bound for partnership and walk alone. For so many years I thought there was something lacking inside me, and now that I have found what I have been looking for, perhaps mournful perspective for not realizing what I had back then, for not fully embracing the solitude and making the best of my life at the time. For it was no so less wonderful then. The joys are different, the frustrations have shifted , but the preimminent balance is essentially the same.
Love where you are now, enjoy the present, live for today, don't plan your life away for you shall look up such a great amount of time will elapse and you will shake your head in bewilderment over days weeks months lost and all you have left is your to do list and daily planner.

Wedding Thoughts..

The moment more blessed now than while occurring
For then a dream, now manifest reality and thus end yearning
I recall bleached sand, your trembling hand, my mother’s tears
The exodus of all past desolation, disappointment and fears
I felt nary a moment’s hesitation, my focus clear
All chaotic stress now finite, nothing matters but this moment here

I remember looking at the clock’, the toll surreal, four o’clock, 30 minutes left until your wedding and thus your remaining single life and wondering how one should feel. How should I feel? My thoughts are racing and vacillate between random meaninglessness and surprising alacrity of depth as I get ready.
Thought #1-The last three months of chaos, change and frustration dwindling to a dim memory. Financial troubles, lifestyle changes, compromise, the dwindling economy, they all seem too trivial at this moment.
#2-My mascara is close to the expiration date-better hit CVS when I get home
.#3-I am forever to be the wife of the man that I adore, the one who truly fits into mine and my families lives, the quintessential missing puzzle piece that completes the diagram, blocks the empty space and makes all facets uniform and correct.
#4-Don’t forget to spray the insect repellant-you are already up to 7 mosquito bites.
#5-Inconsequential gossip, hurtful drama, broken promises, late arrivals, things that use to affect me and were seemingly grand in their affect now flee in insignificance compared to my new priorities, living with and for this person, helping ;provide a home and stability to his children
#6-If my eyelashes clump I am going to be so pissed.
I eye the satin and pearls that will soon shroud my figure proclaiming my temporary status and more permanent role of bride. As I slide the dress over my head, the satin material feels both cold and comforting.
I bend over to fasten the straps of my gold sandals, stand tall and appraise my reflection in the mirror.
As for my physical appearance-Hair-spiral curls intact, nails-check. Dress-perfect (I actually don’t look fat)
And now for the important confirmation-my inner status
Smile-dazzling and assured of this righteous decision, heart-beating strong and steady in its health and confidence, stance-firm and directed as I literally and proverbially prepare to walk down the sandy path towards my groom and my new life.
A small rap on the hotel room door; the wedding coordinator has arrived to escort me to my parent’s room that they may have the honor presenting me to my love during the ceremony.
My mother will be weepy and breathless; she has waited so long for this day.
And all I can feel is laughter and serenity. I hear the saxophone player start, the din of conversation and laughter as the guests arrive. And in my mind’s eye I see his twinkling blue eyes and clear, sweet smile, and all I can think is “I do, I do, I do!!!”

The blissful in between

As I sit down to write my marriage vows, I think about the final, leap of faith I am taking in the exciting, challenging, exultant journey I started 8 short months ago, when I met my fiancee. I feel a combination of happiness, mild anxiety and excitement regarding our life together..How does one envision "forever" with the individual with whom you are about to make a lifetime commitment. There is the fantasy, there is the reality, and there is the blissful in between. One cannot begin to know how things will turn out vs. how they want things to turn out. When we first planned our lives, we did so anticipating the ease of renting out my condo, successfully integrating our households, lives, with a secure financial cushion as our combined incomes would afford us a life of comfort, and independence. First came the crisis of global economy, the recession, this climate which prevented me from finding a renter, which affected my fiancee's industry and thus caused a cut in his company's workload and his income, even the pharmaceutical industry was affected and I lived with the dread of lay offs, having to lay off staff as well as wondering from day to day if I had true job security. This and other ancillary factors contributed to the potential demise of our plans, and the need to find an alternate course to reach our goal-and so we budgeted, and put our adventures on hold to keep a roof over our heads and security for his children. This endurance of stress and sometime disillusionment, caused us to re-asses the romantically impulsive decision we made to become engaged four short months after meeting. Despite all of the stress, he never wavered in his love, and despite my misgivings and resentment over having to budget for the first time in my life, and the drastic changes in my life (which my mother so aptly reminded me were my choice and thus i should "stop my whining" ) I too knew in the core of my heart that I was supposed to spend my life with this man, that this was something meant for me. We made the choice to love, to endure, and as I signed my renter's lease papers for my condo, and as his company recovered and his hours increased, and my ability to go to Nordstroms returned, (though not as much, rats) I thought, we held our course, we made it through, side by side..
Traditional marriage vows, love honor and obey, no problem there, check..I find humor as I think about the inevitable outcomes that should be presented as a disclaimer with vows. "I will hide all of my bad qualities until the day you place the warm, enveloping gold band across my trembling hand, and then once I have trapped you, out comes the makeup less, crabby shrew who throws away her gym membership for a lifetime of donuts card at crispy cremes+-check. Of course I am joking. Being fairly emotionally honest, and fiercely proud to be myself no matter what, my fiancee will not be horrifically surprised at some awful attribute I kept hidden under a rock until the day he was "mine". For example, shall we combust the 50s inspired fantasy of the man coming home to his dazzling housewife in her red stiletto's, shiny apron and perfectly coiffed hair; with a cheese souffle warming in the oven? As a home worker, with a stressful job in pharmaceutical research that requires me to work well above the typical 8 hr day, I rarely wear make up during the week, and my requisite job uniform consists of sweats and one of my fiancees t shirts. Likewise he is an electrical engineer in the boating industry and comes home smelling of sea salt and sweat from an honest day's work. And the end of times would not cause me to forgo my gym membership, as I am neurotic about my weight and go into a tail spin over a minimal gain. The point is, we presented our emotional and honest selves the day we met, and have done so ever since. That honestly I believe has held us together through some pretty challenging times that would have thwarted less stern and stalwart hearts.
I am looking forward to the "blissful in between" of our lives. I have found someone who accepts me unconditionally, the good, the bad, the ugly..As he knows there has to be a plethora of both positive and negative traits to comprise a balanced person. I look forward to the reality of a challenging life, and the peace of absolute comfort and vulnerability that your every trait has been exposed and accepted (though not always beloved) by your partner. I want my marriage vows to reflect the wonderful, difficult, challenging, joyful, exultant and triumphant journey that brought me to this point. The blissful in between, tears and laughter, chaos and peace, reality and bliss..That is what I want my life to be.

the worst date ever

The worst date ever....
Most of us veritably cringe in horror in reflection of some of our past dating experiences; unfortunately, as with any news worthy of reporting, the memories most significantly recalled are those tragic or hilaroiusly ridiculous dating experiences at our expense.They may have wrought tears, revulsion, frustration or unexpected laughter being witness to such outrageous behavior in someone who requested our company and time.
In the spirit of recollection and camaraderie over our shared dating experiences I have decided to blog about "the worst date ever".
I remember my worst date ever. Tragically, God provided me a glimmer of insight the evening before my date as to how things would play out, but I neglected to take this celestial hint and thus prevent myself crying in my cheerios in the negative aftermath.I wonder, in my determination to have a positive dating experience after the slew of jack assess who considered Denny's "fine cuisine" if even a clould of locusts or a mightly flood of would have been a strong enough sign to sway from my pursuit of decent date.
The night before my date I had been out dancing at a night club, and in the middle of "hammer time" I turned around a saw a familiar face dirty dancing with an attractive blonde in a tight black dress. Upon further glance I recongnized "Doug" (names have been changed to protect the guilty) the seemingly nice guy I had met who had asked me to join him for a quaint bayside lunch the following Sunday afternoon. Upon recognition, he passed alarming glances between myself and his tango partner, and then put on a passing poker face once he came to resolution of the potential confrontation. He then had the nerve to grab my shoulder when her back was turned, wink and whisper "are we still on for tomorrow". I shrugged a non chalant affirmation before turning back to finish my awesome cabbage patch maneuver in a pitiful attempt to impress him with casual reaction to the awkwardness. He was under no obligation to me and I figured he had the right to do whatever he wanted. I still intended to keep the date and come to further determination of his character after.
The next day, not only was he twenty minutes late, with no phone call, our quaint outing consisted of stroll down grotty Mission Bay Boardwalk, with no food and stilted, uninteresting conversation. Worse still, with the wonderful ethnic diversity that comprises the beach area, he felt inclined to make negative comments about "damn foreigners" and "euro trash". Mortified, hungry, and feeling increasingly uncomfortable over his mental stability, I foolishly stayed put, hoping for some glimmer of interest to spark. After several more minutes I recognized the imminent futility of that hope and resigned myself to an afternoon of pain.
All at once I recognized an attractive guy who frequented the same beach bar as I; he was riding a beach cruiser, smiling. To my then demented brain his bike was transformed into a white steed, he was armed with a lance and would surely come charging down the sand, sweep me to safety and trounce on the ingrate who had been wasting my Sunday. I never could get his attention, and the longest hour of my life elapsed between walking back to date's car, and the eventual drive home. I shudder in disdain over that experience, and curse myself for staying. I don't understand why I did not arrange a back up plan, to have a friend call my cell phone under the guise of distress. The code word for "save me" being an inquiry of "are you alright?" and thus departing effectively and innocently, with the intent to save a friend in distress. The code word for "he is hot and I am in heaven" being "oh, nice hearing from you." At least I don't have to worry about that anymore.
My significant other has a short, but tragic dating story. He had been seeing an attractive girl, who was petite and slight; it was the early 90s and the waifish look was in, therefore her slender physique, always disguised, under modest dress, did not alarm him.. He had arranged to take her to a up and coming, trendy restaurant, and was looking forward to partaking of the acclaimed cuisine. When dinner came, and she had not touched her food, he inquired as to any problems with the quality, and she shook her head and burst into tears. In an attempt to be galant, he motioned the server over to take back the dinner as he presumed she was in agony over the quality of the food. Through her tears she informed him she was an anorexic and thus unable to eat a full dinner, He kindly dried her tears, expressed comfort and understanding, drove her home and recommended a good internal medicine physician for treatment. He did not obsess nor analyze the experience; in his opinion the date was horrible because a terrific meal was wasted. Men are so wonderfully pragmatic. When something does not work, simply move on. I wish I had possessed such practicality.

What we are, what this is to me.

What we are:
We are both a little tortured, a little damaged and we shrug and mutually chuckle over this failing, this adversity that has become an ingrained character trait, gleaned and developed from years of bad choices, stubborn determination in the face of clear defeat, decisions based on love sick fairy tales we tried to manipulate to fit our convenient dreams, heads buried deep in the proverbial sand of denial, fear of failure and prevention of isolation. Almost anything to find that dream of true love, true companionship that eluded us. Or worse yet, once the poor substitute was discovered and established, anything to attain (in my case) or maintain (your case) something that was horrendously failing, to the detriment of our perception, peace of mind and perhaps our health. The faltering idea of love that we have pursued mercilessly, that which has betrayed us, manipulated us, misguided and ultimately failed us.
But did we fail ourselves for not recognizing the glaring clarity of our bad judgement and repetition of naivete? And at times, utter stupidity? Choices that prolonged pain, perpetuated shame, that we knowingly made to prevent the awful alternative?
or were we propelled by the forces of fate, destiny, or a merciful God who knew we would eventually find each other, but we had to become battered, bruised, with strengthened character, and defenses before the journey brought us here?
For whatever pain or betrayal I have experienced, for the knot of occasional paranoia and fear and lack of trust in my heart, wrought by years of failure that you are slowly unwinding, I would repeat almost every bad choice with the retrospective knowledge that the momentum of ignorance and immaturity would develop a rocky path that once trodden, would lead me to you.
You are my healing breath, you are my new found laughter, you are my ally, my comrade, one that, when reflecting upon shared experiences, can laugh, or shudder, or feel shame and say, "yeah, I remember how it felt to be there"..
And on the eve of the second horizon of my life, if it took the first twenty years to make all of the embarassing mistakes, horrific choices and eliminate all of the wild impulses, to come to this point here with you, where I have laughed, cried, have been re-born and died, it shall surely be followed by the eternal twilight of your companionship, your laughter, renewed inspiration and hope in myself, in us, for us, and what I thought I had eternally lost, or would forever try to find.Iknow now that I had to experience all of the dissapointment and suffer all of the seeming loss to develop the soul and character worthy of this love..

Get off the see saw

A close friend, divorced after 20 years of marriage to a completely self absorbed and self serving idiot, recently reconnected with a high school friend and began what looked to be a promising courtship. Rusty on dating etiquette and a bit daunted to "get back into the game after years in the penalty box" as she so aptly put it, nevertheless she took a deep breath and jumped into the proverbial dating pool. Unfortunately she did not use her head while diving back into romance, and thus perhaps maneuver intellectually, stepping slowly and considering her periphery, distance, rate of acceleration and velocity needed to make a safe water landing (trust she did not have a seat back to use as a flotation device). However as most novices manuevering impulsively from the heart, she performed an awkward, gangly jump, all legs and ankles and torso, with minimal direction and maximum thrust, resulting in a painful belly flop that bruised both abdomen and heart. After three wonderful first dates with this friend from her past, giddy with renewed feelings of attraction and infatuation, she fell into the requisite school girl mindset that "he could be the one" and began foolishly planning the possibility of their new life in her head. Prior to the fourth date she received a fateful phone call from said romeo basically informing her that while he "cared for her immensely" there was another he had been dating prior to her who decided that she wanted to "try again" and he felt inclined to invest his time and attention there due to lingering feelings. Devastated, I comforted my friend while reminding her that life offers no guarantees, and three dates does not a promise nor obligation make. And while I initially respected this guy for his honesty and what seemed to be an attempt at prevention of hurt on behalf of my friend, respect turned to suspicion and disgust quite quickly. I became a reluctant observer of the pull me, push me game men and woman play when they feel unsure of romantic inclinations and try to pursue multiple options before settling on the right candidate. And this guy was attempting to play my friend this same way. Dating multiple people can be healthy and interesting, if done with honest, open communication of expectation and intent. Everyone has the right to take every opportunity to decide what is best for them. But not the expense of someone else.
However, this guy decided to end things with my friend, and then email her two days later telling her he "could not stop thinking about her." Following my advice, she did not respond to his email. This was followed by an emotional phone call, where he informed her he was miserable, missed her and felt he had made the wrong decision, and that she may be the one. She said he was nearly "in tears". At this point my ire grew to great proportions, as I saw my friend being navigated unwillingly down the vasilating path of indecisiveness written by someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Taking advantage of a vulnerable person by playing upon her feelings and insecurity. The last advice I gave to my friend was that she was a worthwhile, wonderful person, worthy of someone's 100% time and attention, and if this guy truly cared for her he would give her said time and consideration which she so aptly deserved. And while this situation is still in limbo, it brings to mind past dating situations where I was on the see saw, and like the up and down manipulation, my heart would reel from someone's attention, and then plummet with that same individual's indecisiveness and distance. Regaining control in this situation is tantamount to peace of mind, and taking a final step and separating from the person pulling you forward and pushing you back, adding confusion and doubt to an already challenged self esteem provides great release. If somebody wants you and loves you, there is not much that can be done to prevent said singular pursuit. And ultimately people treat you as badly as you let them. I want my friend's first dating experience, though painful, to have a positive outcome in that she learns to walk away from a potentially destructive situation, to get off the proverbial see- saw and take the straight shot down the slide and away from this manipulation. I don't know what the outcome will be, I just know I will be her safe water landing no matter how it turns out.

Love does not hide

I was recently reminded of what I consider the most the most provoking and passionate lesson I learned about love, one that impacted me greatly, leading me to a strengthened realization to never accept less than what I deserve or compromise my ideals for mere companionship. This lesson provided a crucial impetus to leave an ex who had wronged me out of cowardice, not malice. This decision also unwittingly became the source of my latest weekly blog, in the form of an email from said ex after several years of silence. Apparently he had “found” my blog and perused the archives, focusing on one written regarding my sometimes destructive impulsive bent to manipulate my environment due to admitted impatience and try to force feelings or emotions that needed to evolve naturally. He highlighted the text he considered relevant to this compulsion and attempted to use it as justification for our demise, that I “pushed” him to feel for me what he wanted to “happen” naturally. If we had continued at his snail’s pace I may have received a ring and the “love” words I once longed for (that never came) by the time I was too old to hear yet alone comprehend them. And while he was partially correct with regard to my impatience, he seemed to have forgotten the main reason why I left the relationship, his cowardice. Previous to him I had foolishly dated his co worker, and during the course of our relationship I accepted his propensity for secrecy regarding our tryst and the rationale for this elicit behavior, the imagined negative repercussions and affect on his career should it be discovered that he was dating his buddy’s ex girlfriend. Hiding in the grocery store behind the organic tomatoes for fear of discovery and repercussion upon a possible glimpse of his ‘friends’, never attending work functions or events for the same reason. This created unnecessary shame within me and I began to question my self worth, as deep in my heart I knew that true love, the love I desired and deserved, feels neither shame with its origin nor mystery with its evolution. Love derives strength from admission and acknowledgement, with no need to perpetuate a hidden nature or intent. The final realization of this horrific compromise came a mere month before his return from a six month work trip, having notified me that he had to “work” on said date of return and therefore prohibiting me from meeting him after months of longing to see him. In truth he was afraid of his "buddies" seeing me there and thus with him. I saw through this ridiculous ploy and sadly though later thankfully realized that if this individual was willing to let this insecurity navigate his decision and thus override his desire to acknowledge our relationship, that his fear of reprisal proved more substantial than his feelings for me, and that if I accepted this story I would be embracing the ultimate compromise of my self worth. It was quite easy for me to depart the relationship after that. And he is and continues to be a good person. And I would like to think that he regrets this decision and the pain it caused me. The lesson I learned I will pass onto you dear reader. Don’t ever be anyone’s “dark secret”. Love warms in the sunshine and grows in the open air. Its true brevity eclipses any shame or dark intent, if it is genuine. If someone truly loves you, they will be proud to proclaim it loudly, be willing, nay desirous to acknowledge it and you at any given moment, and if it brings shame nor embarrassment then it is not worth the extent of those useless emotions. Love draws strength and realization from wonderful attention and acknowledgment and this perpetuates confidence and truth. This I know, for daily this is demonstrated to me by the one who is proud to love me.