What we are, what this is to me.

What we are:
We are both a little tortured, a little damaged and we shrug and mutually chuckle over this failing, this adversity that has become an ingrained character trait, gleaned and developed from years of bad choices, stubborn determination in the face of clear defeat, decisions based on love sick fairy tales we tried to manipulate to fit our convenient dreams, heads buried deep in the proverbial sand of denial, fear of failure and prevention of isolation. Almost anything to find that dream of true love, true companionship that eluded us. Or worse yet, once the poor substitute was discovered and established, anything to attain (in my case) or maintain (your case) something that was horrendously failing, to the detriment of our perception, peace of mind and perhaps our health. The faltering idea of love that we have pursued mercilessly, that which has betrayed us, manipulated us, misguided and ultimately failed us.
But did we fail ourselves for not recognizing the glaring clarity of our bad judgement and repetition of naivete? And at times, utter stupidity? Choices that prolonged pain, perpetuated shame, that we knowingly made to prevent the awful alternative?
or were we propelled by the forces of fate, destiny, or a merciful God who knew we would eventually find each other, but we had to become battered, bruised, with strengthened character, and defenses before the journey brought us here?
For whatever pain or betrayal I have experienced, for the knot of occasional paranoia and fear and lack of trust in my heart, wrought by years of failure that you are slowly unwinding, I would repeat almost every bad choice with the retrospective knowledge that the momentum of ignorance and immaturity would develop a rocky path that once trodden, would lead me to you.
You are my healing breath, you are my new found laughter, you are my ally, my comrade, one that, when reflecting upon shared experiences, can laugh, or shudder, or feel shame and say, "yeah, I remember how it felt to be there"..
And on the eve of the second horizon of my life, if it took the first twenty years to make all of the embarassing mistakes, horrific choices and eliminate all of the wild impulses, to come to this point here with you, where I have laughed, cried, have been re-born and died, it shall surely be followed by the eternal twilight of your companionship, your laughter, renewed inspiration and hope in myself, in us, for us, and what I thought I had eternally lost, or would forever try to find.Iknow now that I had to experience all of the dissapointment and suffer all of the seeming loss to develop the soul and character worthy of this love..