A close friend, divorced after 20 years of marriage to a completely self absorbed and self serving idiot, recently reconnected with a high school friend and began what looked to be a promising courtship. Rusty on dating etiquette and a bit daunted to "get back into the game after years in the penalty box" as she so aptly put it, nevertheless she took a deep breath and jumped into the proverbial dating pool. Unfortunately she did not use her head while diving back into romance, and thus perhaps maneuver intellectually, stepping slowly and considering her periphery, distance, rate of acceleration and velocity needed to make a safe water landing (trust she did not have a seat back to use as a flotation device). However as most novices manuevering impulsively from the heart, she performed an awkward, gangly jump, all legs and ankles and torso, with minimal direction and maximum thrust, resulting in a painful belly flop that bruised both abdomen and heart. After three wonderful first dates with this friend from her past, giddy with renewed feelings of attraction and infatuation, she fell into the requisite school girl mindset that "he could be the one" and began foolishly planning the possibility of their new life in her head. Prior to the fourth date she received a fateful phone call from said romeo basically informing her that while he "cared for her immensely" there was another he had been dating prior to her who decided that she wanted to "try again" and he felt inclined to invest his time and attention there due to lingering feelings. Devastated, I comforted my friend while reminding her that life offers no guarantees, and three dates does not a promise nor obligation make. And while I initially respected this guy for his honesty and what seemed to be an attempt at prevention of hurt on behalf of my friend, respect turned to suspicion and disgust quite quickly. I became a reluctant observer of the pull me, push me game men and woman play when they feel unsure of romantic inclinations and try to pursue multiple options before settling on the right candidate. And this guy was attempting to play my friend this same way. Dating multiple people can be healthy and interesting, if done with honest, open communication of expectation and intent. Everyone has the right to take every opportunity to decide what is best for them. But not the expense of someone else.
However, this guy decided to end things with my friend, and then email her two days later telling her he "could not stop thinking about her." Following my advice, she did not respond to his email. This was followed by an emotional phone call, where he informed her he was miserable, missed her and felt he had made the wrong decision, and that she may be the one. She said he was nearly "in tears". At this point my ire grew to great proportions, as I saw my friend being navigated unwillingly down the vasilating path of indecisiveness written by someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Taking advantage of a vulnerable person by playing upon her feelings and insecurity. The last advice I gave to my friend was that she was a worthwhile, wonderful person, worthy of someone's 100% time and attention, and if this guy truly cared for her he would give her said time and consideration which she so aptly deserved. And while this situation is still in limbo, it brings to mind past dating situations where I was on the see saw, and like the up and down manipulation, my heart would reel from someone's attention, and then plummet with that same individual's indecisiveness and distance. Regaining control in this situation is tantamount to peace of mind, and taking a final step and separating from the person pulling you forward and pushing you back, adding confusion and doubt to an already challenged self esteem provides great release. If somebody wants you and loves you, there is not much that can be done to prevent said singular pursuit. And ultimately people treat you as badly as you let them. I want my friend's first dating experience, though painful, to have a positive outcome in that she learns to walk away from a potentially destructive situation, to get off the proverbial see- saw and take the straight shot down the slide and away from this manipulation. I don't know what the outcome will be, I just know I will be her safe water landing no matter how it turns out.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Love does not hide
I was recently reminded of what I consider the most the most provoking and passionate lesson I learned about love, one that impacted me greatly, leading me to a strengthened realization to never accept less than what I deserve or compromise my ideals for mere companionship. This lesson provided a crucial impetus to leave an ex who had wronged me out of cowardice, not malice. This decision also unwittingly became the source of my latest weekly blog, in the form of an email from said ex after several years of silence. Apparently he had “found” my blog and perused the archives, focusing on one written regarding my sometimes destructive impulsive bent to manipulate my environment due to admitted impatience and try to force feelings or emotions that needed to evolve naturally. He highlighted the text he considered relevant to this compulsion and attempted to use it as justification for our demise, that I “pushed” him to feel for me what he wanted to “happen” naturally. If we had continued at his snail’s pace I may have received a ring and the “love” words I once longed for (that never came) by the time I was too old to hear yet alone comprehend them. And while he was partially correct with regard to my impatience, he seemed to have forgotten the main reason why I left the relationship, his cowardice. Previous to him I had foolishly dated his co worker, and during the course of our relationship I accepted his propensity for secrecy regarding our tryst and the rationale for this elicit behavior, the imagined negative repercussions and affect on his career should it be discovered that he was dating his buddy’s ex girlfriend. Hiding in the grocery store behind the organic tomatoes for fear of discovery and repercussion upon a possible glimpse of his ‘friends’, never attending work functions or events for the same reason. This created unnecessary shame within me and I began to question my self worth, as deep in my heart I knew that true love, the love I desired and deserved, feels neither shame with its origin nor mystery with its evolution. Love derives strength from admission and acknowledgement, with no need to perpetuate a hidden nature or intent. The final realization of this horrific compromise came a mere month before his return from a six month work trip, having notified me that he had to “work” on said date of return and therefore prohibiting me from meeting him after months of longing to see him. In truth he was afraid of his "buddies" seeing me there and thus with him. I saw through this ridiculous ploy and sadly though later thankfully realized that if this individual was willing to let this insecurity navigate his decision and thus override his desire to acknowledge our relationship, that his fear of reprisal proved more substantial than his feelings for me, and that if I accepted this story I would be embracing the ultimate compromise of my self worth. It was quite easy for me to depart the relationship after that. And he is and continues to be a good person. And I would like to think that he regrets this decision and the pain it caused me. The lesson I learned I will pass onto you dear reader. Don’t ever be anyone’s “dark secret”. Love warms in the sunshine and grows in the open air. Its true brevity eclipses any shame or dark intent, if it is genuine. If someone truly loves you, they will be proud to proclaim it loudly, be willing, nay desirous to acknowledge it and you at any given moment, and if it brings shame nor embarrassment then it is not worth the extent of those useless emotions. Love draws strength and realization from wonderful attention and acknowledgment and this perpetuates confidence and truth. This I know, for daily this is demonstrated to me by the one who is proud to love me.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Forgiveness
The old adage “when you point a finger, three are pointing back at you” never rang more loudly or more true than this month.
It seems that falling in love irreparably clouded my brain and my judgment, in so much that it precluded me from remembering that people are human and thus prone to error, myself included. Love does not provide a waiver, with its establishment, against imperfection. And as much as I want my partner to be perfect and never disappoint me, this is as assured as the snow dropping in San Diego, unrealistic and futile. I get wrapped up in my self righteous indignation over real or imagined slights that fate decides on a painful intervention, my conscience, which reels its ugly head much like a stinging scorpion. Deceiving as the initial bite does not seem fierce, a mere piercing of skin, but the poison infiltrates and once it reaches fruition, boy does it smart. Providing a well needed reminder that all armor has chinks, and your white knight upon the strongly referenced steed is not perfect, and will make mistakes which you should ultimately forgive and disregard. I ask myself, am I not forgiven when I am at fault? Especially from the one who endures my moodiness and sometimes judgment prone nature. The one who cooks my dinner, takes care of the house while I am traveling, and takes time every day to remind me that he loves me and is thinking of me, no matter how busy or overwhelmed he may be. . And this is where I hang my head in shame, for I am sometimes quick to anger, slow to forgive, and like the blasted proverbial elephant, I seem to remember and thus hold onto everything negative as my protective shield. This habit, though fruitless, is something developed and perfected throughout my single years, which consisted mainly of me giving what others willingly took, with not much return on my investment of time and attention. I am accustomed to disappointment and thus expect it. No excuse, but the gods truth. And how does that serve me-with a building of resentment and anger grown massive in proportion and hardly the equivalent to the incident that spurred its unnecessary and ridiculous growth. Thus causing misdirected anger over the most trivial of “sins”.
I shall try to remember that the one I love does not keep a tally of all my wrong doings, and there is no benefit wrought from harboring sadness and resentment. When a mistake is made, unless the gravity of the error causes permanent damage and destruction to trust, I shall endeavor to let it go and remember that I am never reminded of my flaws and always blessedly forgiven for my multitude of mistakes, with nary a mention of their occurrence by my other and “better” half.
It seems that falling in love irreparably clouded my brain and my judgment, in so much that it precluded me from remembering that people are human and thus prone to error, myself included. Love does not provide a waiver, with its establishment, against imperfection. And as much as I want my partner to be perfect and never disappoint me, this is as assured as the snow dropping in San Diego, unrealistic and futile. I get wrapped up in my self righteous indignation over real or imagined slights that fate decides on a painful intervention, my conscience, which reels its ugly head much like a stinging scorpion. Deceiving as the initial bite does not seem fierce, a mere piercing of skin, but the poison infiltrates and once it reaches fruition, boy does it smart. Providing a well needed reminder that all armor has chinks, and your white knight upon the strongly referenced steed is not perfect, and will make mistakes which you should ultimately forgive and disregard. I ask myself, am I not forgiven when I am at fault? Especially from the one who endures my moodiness and sometimes judgment prone nature. The one who cooks my dinner, takes care of the house while I am traveling, and takes time every day to remind me that he loves me and is thinking of me, no matter how busy or overwhelmed he may be. . And this is where I hang my head in shame, for I am sometimes quick to anger, slow to forgive, and like the blasted proverbial elephant, I seem to remember and thus hold onto everything negative as my protective shield. This habit, though fruitless, is something developed and perfected throughout my single years, which consisted mainly of me giving what others willingly took, with not much return on my investment of time and attention. I am accustomed to disappointment and thus expect it. No excuse, but the gods truth. And how does that serve me-with a building of resentment and anger grown massive in proportion and hardly the equivalent to the incident that spurred its unnecessary and ridiculous growth. Thus causing misdirected anger over the most trivial of “sins”.
I shall try to remember that the one I love does not keep a tally of all my wrong doings, and there is no benefit wrought from harboring sadness and resentment. When a mistake is made, unless the gravity of the error causes permanent damage and destruction to trust, I shall endeavor to let it go and remember that I am never reminded of my flaws and always blessedly forgiven for my multitude of mistakes, with nary a mention of their occurrence by my other and “better” half.
Monday, February 9, 2009
The forgotten bloom
I get so caught up in the obsessive planning of my life and tasks related to my job that I often overlook the important things. Much like a single rose that lay blooming alongside the path, nearly trodden by a clumsy footing that is so involved in calculating and strategizing the tasks and trials to accomplish and overcome that the innocent rose is nearly obliterated, a wasted bloom, an overlooked glorious scent, with no regard for texture of petals or luminating luster to an otherwise grey and colorless landscape. The single flower that if one stopped to notice, admire, a mere second of effort in a self absorbed and singular pursuit would lend credence, inspiration and truth to what really matters in this fleeting existence.
The rose can be a lover, friend or family member that needs the smallest recognition or validation of importance, strength and truth, and the smallest effort would lend such light and sustenance to a blossom nearly wilting from thirst or buried with thorns.
Stop to smell these flowers, lend your light to wayward blooms that may seem to trip your footing for a perceived careless need that is truly a cry for attention. Don’t let the thorns of life so consume your thoughts that you overlook the love and need that lie wilting at your feet.
Today I was reminded of that which is truly important, my lover, my family, my friends, and I am ashamed for my selfish lack of recognition and humbled by the strength wrought from the simplest effort of release of what thought I needed to accomplish vs. what I really needed to do.Humanity, family, friends, loyalty and support are what you will remember at the end of your days, and how you showed your love and support to nurture the flowers in the proverbial garden of your life.
The rose can be a lover, friend or family member that needs the smallest recognition or validation of importance, strength and truth, and the smallest effort would lend such light and sustenance to a blossom nearly wilting from thirst or buried with thorns.
Stop to smell these flowers, lend your light to wayward blooms that may seem to trip your footing for a perceived careless need that is truly a cry for attention. Don’t let the thorns of life so consume your thoughts that you overlook the love and need that lie wilting at your feet.
Today I was reminded of that which is truly important, my lover, my family, my friends, and I am ashamed for my selfish lack of recognition and humbled by the strength wrought from the simplest effort of release of what thought I needed to accomplish vs. what I really needed to do.Humanity, family, friends, loyalty and support are what you will remember at the end of your days, and how you showed your love and support to nurture the flowers in the proverbial garden of your life.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Hello to your new fairy tale
I recently moved in with my fiancee and his children after having lived alone for ten years, with solo establishment and absolute domain over my space, my time, control over every circumstance in my life down to the number of tissues used while blowing my nose. Relinquishing this control has been both an extremely gratifying and extremely difficult adjustment. Especially for a freakishly controlling and orderly person such as myself who has to re-hang a blouse if the collar is facing left rather than right . I find it hilariously ironic that finding your heart's desire and implementing a lifetime of wishes come true also requires compromise and a yielding of will that has governed your thoughts and decisions throughout your single life. No one, including myself, ever thought beyond the white knight, the stalwart steed and riding off into the proverbial sunset, that even fairly tales are grounded in reality and affect change with the implementaton. Part 2 of that happy ending is thinking of sunblock to protect against said sunset, a new pair of horseshoes for the steed as the poor horse is now carrying 2, a new drawbridge for the moat as the wood is rotting, algae treatment for the moat, and consideration for prince's hunting spaniels, queen mother and obnoxious falcon collection. Cinderella has lived alone in her own condo for so many years that she has forgotten how to funtion in a family unit, with the noise, laughter, fighting, frustration, tears, joy, i.e. all the wonderful components of a true family. Cinderella is about to become the stepmother and is a little terrified of the implications of this uncharted territory. However as we know, Cinderella is a trooper, vanquished an evil stepmother and won the love of a handsome prince in the space of a week. I think she will previal in this latest endeavor.
The other side of this sometimes terrifying coin is the introduction to solitude on behalf of individuals newly single, divorced, those who have spent years within the confines of relationship and/or family unit now relishing or dreading the prospect of living alone. No pitter patter of footsteps and exultant cry of a child joyously greeting the day, no task driven list of "to do" items provided by one manically organized spouse to another. Quiet mornings sleeping in, the only noise to greet you with the dawn's light the sound of coffee sputtering and the morning D.J. ringing in the week. And having spoken to individuals who went from one transition to another I find it quite amusing that the things I took for granted are the things these folks relish the most. From walking around the kitchen in your knickers (my British friend) for the first time as no one is around to claim that you shoudl be "dressed" around the children, to having the ability to run to Taco Bell at 2am on impulse as you have a sudden chalupa craving and no controlling husband to consider. These folks are enjoying the unknown freedoms life changes bring while adjusting to the challenges that are also presented.
I shall find joy in possibly guiding and influencing small children having none of my own, thankful for the opportunity to experience even the smallest element of parenting. And I shall wistfully bid farewell to my overabudance of alone tme, as too much solitude is unhealthy for anyone. Cinderella still has her own side of the moat for occasional "me time", with a blessed view of prince charming and his daughters playing on the castle ramparts, reminding her of her exciting new life and the challenges and joy it shall bring.
The other side of this sometimes terrifying coin is the introduction to solitude on behalf of individuals newly single, divorced, those who have spent years within the confines of relationship and/or family unit now relishing or dreading the prospect of living alone. No pitter patter of footsteps and exultant cry of a child joyously greeting the day, no task driven list of "to do" items provided by one manically organized spouse to another. Quiet mornings sleeping in, the only noise to greet you with the dawn's light the sound of coffee sputtering and the morning D.J. ringing in the week. And having spoken to individuals who went from one transition to another I find it quite amusing that the things I took for granted are the things these folks relish the most. From walking around the kitchen in your knickers (my British friend) for the first time as no one is around to claim that you shoudl be "dressed" around the children, to having the ability to run to Taco Bell at 2am on impulse as you have a sudden chalupa craving and no controlling husband to consider. These folks are enjoying the unknown freedoms life changes bring while adjusting to the challenges that are also presented.
I shall find joy in possibly guiding and influencing small children having none of my own, thankful for the opportunity to experience even the smallest element of parenting. And I shall wistfully bid farewell to my overabudance of alone tme, as too much solitude is unhealthy for anyone. Cinderella still has her own side of the moat for occasional "me time", with a blessed view of prince charming and his daughters playing on the castle ramparts, reminding her of her exciting new life and the challenges and joy it shall bring.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The grading system
If dating had a grading system, I would unfortunately average out to a straight C- for my cumulative experiences and subsequent behaviors and reactions to duress.
Early twenties-F-hormonal and lonely=settling for anything with a pair of new Z cavaricci’s and a pulse
Early thirties-C-less hormonal but still lonely=settling for less than I deserve, someone with an education and an income but less than stellar manners or consideration
Mid thirties-C-still hormonal but cognizant of respect and reciprocity-the balance and consideration required for a healthy relationship. Standards rose exponentially.
Latter thirties-B+-Embrace the need for reciprocity and respect and what I deserve. Grow tired of making things happen with disappointing results, give up desperate need to be in relationship, go on with my life and ultimately meet the man of my dreams
I never quite understood the benefits of what I considered cliché and outdated phrases, “thinking before I acted”, “quelling impulsive behavior”, “patience is a virtue” and “men love the chase”.
Naturally I acted before thinking, gave into all impulses, did not take a breath, reassess and let things happen as they should and finally, never quite let men chase me, which resulted in me chasing them out of the proverbial door and thus relationship.
Older, wiser, less reckless, more patience and discrimination as well as not having to make things happen and be the leader in relationships have resulted in me finding my heart’s desire and wonderful love.
I had a wonderful example throughout this turbulent, ecstatic, painful learning process. A dear friend with whom I have stayed close for nigh upon 18 years. Always cool, always confident, she has an aura of elusivity and discrimination that men find irresistible. She dated like a true professional, had swains lined up out the door and truly perfected the art of the chase by being her happy, smiling confident self, thus conquering hearts all over San Diego. .
If only I had followed suit and thus prevented my own debacles, but as they say “live and learn”. Some of us require a hard knocking with the reality hammer to learn the important lessons.
The irony of this is that while her “MO” has always been to take it slow, and date distinctively, juggling two or three men and enjoying the attention in pursuit of her perfect match, (much to our envy and chagrin, would she EVER choose) she has finally found her perfect match, who promptly informed her that while he really saw potential in her, he wanted to “take things slowly”. She acquiesced with a knowing smile, and responded in kind that she agreed with his distinction.
Not karmic debt but rather an even meeting of minds, unequivocal balance and opportunity for a slow and steady courtship.
And even if she assumed my former role of impatience and anxiety, she would never let anyone know-always maintaining a calm and cool aura. Brat that she is.
And I admire her immensely for this.
Early twenties-F-hormonal and lonely=settling for anything with a pair of new Z cavaricci’s and a pulse
Early thirties-C-less hormonal but still lonely=settling for less than I deserve, someone with an education and an income but less than stellar manners or consideration
Mid thirties-C-still hormonal but cognizant of respect and reciprocity-the balance and consideration required for a healthy relationship. Standards rose exponentially.
Latter thirties-B+-Embrace the need for reciprocity and respect and what I deserve. Grow tired of making things happen with disappointing results, give up desperate need to be in relationship, go on with my life and ultimately meet the man of my dreams
I never quite understood the benefits of what I considered cliché and outdated phrases, “thinking before I acted”, “quelling impulsive behavior”, “patience is a virtue” and “men love the chase”.
Naturally I acted before thinking, gave into all impulses, did not take a breath, reassess and let things happen as they should and finally, never quite let men chase me, which resulted in me chasing them out of the proverbial door and thus relationship.
Older, wiser, less reckless, more patience and discrimination as well as not having to make things happen and be the leader in relationships have resulted in me finding my heart’s desire and wonderful love.
I had a wonderful example throughout this turbulent, ecstatic, painful learning process. A dear friend with whom I have stayed close for nigh upon 18 years. Always cool, always confident, she has an aura of elusivity and discrimination that men find irresistible. She dated like a true professional, had swains lined up out the door and truly perfected the art of the chase by being her happy, smiling confident self, thus conquering hearts all over San Diego. .
If only I had followed suit and thus prevented my own debacles, but as they say “live and learn”. Some of us require a hard knocking with the reality hammer to learn the important lessons.
The irony of this is that while her “MO” has always been to take it slow, and date distinctively, juggling two or three men and enjoying the attention in pursuit of her perfect match, (much to our envy and chagrin, would she EVER choose) she has finally found her perfect match, who promptly informed her that while he really saw potential in her, he wanted to “take things slowly”. She acquiesced with a knowing smile, and responded in kind that she agreed with his distinction.
Not karmic debt but rather an even meeting of minds, unequivocal balance and opportunity for a slow and steady courtship.
And even if she assumed my former role of impatience and anxiety, she would never let anyone know-always maintaining a calm and cool aura. Brat that she is.
And I admire her immensely for this.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Love is...
I have found that my idea of love has dramatically changed and can only be expressed through these words-
Love is waking to a lazy smile and slightest caress of hand against hand as a heavy weight leaves the bed and sure, sweet breath whispers hello to start your day,
It shall never leave you truly alone, nor is it ever far away
Love is awakening to a blazing sun and a warm mug of coffee, with the right amount of creamer, steaming next to the bedside as someone is thinking of you, always thinking of you
Love is an opening of heart to expose raw vulnerability, the allowance of personality and perspective to shine through
Enabling you to crack your silly jokes, dance your silly dance, think your random, sometimes deep, sometimes silly, sometimes dark, foreboding thoughts, with acceptance
Love is understanding that people are multidimensional with layers exposed and like the onion can taste both bitter and sweet
Love is the alliance without necessary agreement, for in togetherness, in this union lay strength and not defeat
Love understands that one day you may smile, and one day you may rage, the moods may vacillate and shift but the loyalty and devotion remain constant despite the change
Love is making an effort to love friends and embrace family even if feigned show of interest, gritting of teeth and hindrance of opinion when the company is not to your choosing
Love is raw passion, staid emotion, with components of occasional boredom and solidarity
Love does not come from a checking account balance, investment portfolio-the superficial forces that use to drive me
Love is the completion of once bereft, of standing alongside when one was once left,
Alone
Love is the sweet, greeting welcome mat as you arrive home
Love is waking to a lazy smile and slightest caress of hand against hand as a heavy weight leaves the bed and sure, sweet breath whispers hello to start your day,
It shall never leave you truly alone, nor is it ever far away
Love is awakening to a blazing sun and a warm mug of coffee, with the right amount of creamer, steaming next to the bedside as someone is thinking of you, always thinking of you
Love is an opening of heart to expose raw vulnerability, the allowance of personality and perspective to shine through
Enabling you to crack your silly jokes, dance your silly dance, think your random, sometimes deep, sometimes silly, sometimes dark, foreboding thoughts, with acceptance
Love is understanding that people are multidimensional with layers exposed and like the onion can taste both bitter and sweet
Love is the alliance without necessary agreement, for in togetherness, in this union lay strength and not defeat
Love understands that one day you may smile, and one day you may rage, the moods may vacillate and shift but the loyalty and devotion remain constant despite the change
Love is making an effort to love friends and embrace family even if feigned show of interest, gritting of teeth and hindrance of opinion when the company is not to your choosing
Love is raw passion, staid emotion, with components of occasional boredom and solidarity
Love does not come from a checking account balance, investment portfolio-the superficial forces that use to drive me
Love is the completion of once bereft, of standing alongside when one was once left,
Alone
Love is the sweet, greeting welcome mat as you arrive home
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