the perfect day

the perfect day starts with nary an agenda, no set plans or focus, friend merge to share in the warmth of common experience and familiarity, people that know you to your core, and accept all flaws, all idosyncrancies, and embrace your differences that drive negativity to perfection, when the warm sun kisses your cheeks and comforts your sadness, when you are enveloped in a circle of acceptance and trust, with those who have helped you survive your darkest hour and driven your greatest accomplishments, whom you have known most of your life and will perpetuate that bond to your death, you have experienced the perfect day and a rare joy that only comes fleetingly, yet the memory will survive forever.

Open the door to your heart

When one experiences heartbreak and repeated disappointment in love, it becomes much easier to retreat within ourselves, to that safe area of limbo, where we are immune to the possibility of another rejection. The dark side of that safety net is isolation and confinement, where one becomes so accostomed to solidarity that the world becomes grey, lacking luster and color, mired in the perpetual cycle of isloation, where we are unable to experience, evolve and feel joy. The heart must be open to opportunity; the walls erected to protect us in truth confine us to a prison of disillusionment and sadness. This blog is for anyone who has suffered thusly.
The proverbial door to my life was sealed shut, so tight, to let in neither sun nor oxygen
Little did I know that the cold stale air was suffocating me, so accustomed was I to the cold that with each ragged intake my breathe would crackle and freeze
My own weak arms my sole embrace, my tears frozen tracks upon my pale face,
The only sound I heard was your faint knocking, and yet I could not venture forth to the dimming light
Forever was the dark night of my existence that soon only my own words would make sense
For they were all I had left to hear
But still you persisted and my unsure footing propelled me forward, to the iron gate in which I had imprisoned my self
To the detriment of peace of mind and health
And once I lifted the latch and released the lock, a whoosh of fresh air filled the vacancy, the sun and your smile they greeted me
My squinting gaze alarmed by the brightness of light and smile and touch
I did not know, behind closed doors that I had missed so much
And yet like a cornered animal I did retreat, for many before had tried and failed to defeat the demons of doubt that did consume,
for many years I did barricade myself within this room
But you gently taught me that this was not the only life I was destined to know
And you slowly taught me to let go
Still I sometimes resist for I am not fully accustomed to the gentle warrior willing to take up arms for this battle, yet not his fight
However I am thankful to you, my bravest one who still for me will ever defeat the night

What I shall recall

Once again this morning you diverted my expected crabbiness with a steaming cup of Jamaican blue mountain coffee in my favorite coffee cup and did not question my silence or lack of cognizant thought, for you know I am not a morning person
And as I opened the cabinet I noticed that you had remembered my favorite, cereal (captain crunch) my favorite lunch meat (fat free bologna-no nutritional value, but 25 calories of the best crap ever) and all the condiments were facing forward (to humor my ridiculous need for order and structure at whatever cost)
And my recollection of this sweet consistency takes me back to last night, when you were, unprompted; researching the requirements for obtaining a British passport for you remembered that I asked about it 2 weeks ago last Tuesday.
The irony is you may occasionally forget your own needs, but you never seem to forget mine
Your thoughtfulness shames me and your love it truly humbles me.
And you make sure the house is clean after the children have left, and you never complain when I feel the incessant need to remind you of all the things on our (my) to do list
You cock your head to the side and smile your silly smile, amused, and seemingly unfazed by my sometimes exhausting bent for efficiency and production
And once again I return to the thought that makes my eyes mist, taking care of mine and everyone’s desires is second nature to you
And what do I do-besides drive you crazy
You simply replied “you make me a better man”
At least I am relieved to contribute something, though I feel my effort is sorely lacking compared to yours, however, as you remind me, love is not a contest (again I am ridiculously competitive) .
How things change as we mature, yet of this realization I am sure
I have been gifted with diamonds, and driven in luxury cars and someone’s secretary remembered my birthday in 2007--how thoughtful of them
I have wasted time and effort on much less deserving men
But as the years and age will surely diminishes all recollection true
At the end of my days all there shall be left to recall is you

A slow but productive recovery

This blog pays inadvertent homage to someone very special to me; an old friend with whom I recently re-connected after a long separation. Throughout an emotional and lively discussion summarizing the last 15 years of our lives, the joy, heartbreak (which she has unfortunately experienced in spades over an extremely painful divorce) and triumph, her smile was alight with enthusiasm, and her eyes never lost their hopeful exuberance, even while teary over a particularly raw recounting. Hers was a particularly painful divorce; substance abuse being the main proponent of their demise, followed by the destructive aftermath of ruined credit, court battles and poor health at 38. The final step was moving from a multi million dollar home back to her parent's house, sharing a bedroom with her youngest daughter. The disintegration of a beloved mate, alone, from a strong and stalwart man to a paranoid, self destructive stranger would have stolen the hope from those less resolute. The entire combination of these tragic events would have put the less determined in the nut house. And yet, true to form, after the dust settled, she slowly began the healing process, returning to life with perhaps more speculation and wariness, but still able to smile, laugh, and even looking forward to the possibility of love. And there are many of us who are currently sad, or have previously felt depressed over a less substantial break up, the only effect on our hearts, not our families, safety or finances. I am not trying to diminish the pain that accompanies this loss, merely trying to put reaction in perspective. When relationships don't work out, there is usually a very good reason. And no matter your belief system, that was the way it was destined to work out. Take stock of what did not work, take time to mourn and recover, (smoke your cigarettes, eat your chocolate, drink your wine, say your prayers, whatever your therapy) and then end the suffering. You were most likely spared an ill suited match, to allow you the opportunity to grow, mature and meet your prince charming. Fight the funk! Respond to your future. You can think of a hundred reasons "not" to do something, but you only need one to do something.

What 's the rush?

My husband dated regularly before we met. And though never a "bed hopper" nevertheless being a handsome and intelligent brit (anyone care to swoon over that accent?) afforded him the companionship of always attractive, mostly sane females. The emphasis on "mostly" sane. For there were the requisite crackpots, those females in such a rush to couple and procreate that they were discussing china patterns and baby names on the first date. Ok perhaps not to that exagerated degree, but to the extent that more than one female on the second or third date expressed the desire to both meet his children and "move the relationship forward". FYI-trying to prematurely rush a relationship is the dating kiss of death; I am allowed to express this opinion as I have made the same mistake myself. Of trying to expedite and manipulate a fledgling relationship before it's true inception. Unfortunately, some people who are bereft of companionship for an extended period of time lose perspective regarding a realistic relationship timeline. Loneliness thus motivates a fabrication of companionship at the first hint of attraction, resulting in a cloak of proverbial desperation that makes one person resemble a creepy stalker and one person want to flee for the hills. I don't attribute this behavior solely to loneliness. There are those who prematurely discuss permanency and relationship status in pursuit of ego or conquest; they prey on the vulnerable rather than embodying them. For the gratification of their selfish desires or outcome. For example, a close friend recently met a guy who spoke of marriage and babies 4 hours into their dinner date. When she giddily relayed this to me, the hair on the back of my neck rose. I am extremely speculative of anyone who discusses these things on the first date. I find it extremely suspicous behavior and warned her accordingly. Imagine my surprise when she later informed me that he had #1-tried to plan a "slumber party" on the second date and #2-had not called her when she had rebuffed his advances, asking him if he would not mind waiting. Dear Reader, I am not a complete cynic, having myself met and married my husband within 9 months of meeting him. However, our first date consisted of high tea at the 4 seasons hotel, where we discussed mutual interests in movies and English history, and laughed over the silly antics of our close knit families. He was not trying to plan his next bedroom move, nor was I crocheting baby booties under the table. It was natural, and it flowed, and the segue into our engagement was neither plotted nor postured. Things were meant to be and it happened that way. Trust me, I had to learn patience. In the ten years between my first and second marriage I had plenty of time to repeat mistakes until the lessons stuck, I stopped blaming circumstance, everyone and their cousin for my bad decisions, and honed my character to the point of ridiculousness. It was difficult, but it transformed this once impatient, impulsive creature hell bent on reckless relationship choices to a self assured, grounded individual enjoying her life as it was, mostly content to enjoy the now and wait for love to come. The key was that once I was ready, it came to me. And if you are willing to work on yourself, and let things happen naturally in relatioships, love will come to you and it will so be worth the wait.

love where you are

My life was a waiting period, a self imposed limbo, in which I flew in meaningless circles expending fuel and thought, and thought and thought about how great my life would be once I found love.
And now protesting words so muted over thunderstruck realization, to find what one has actively sought for so many years, to put the proverbial period at the end of this great sentence, to bypass prior impatience and uncertainty for that which is infinite and true.
For even after we have departed thus from this earth, this love, the utter content of my whole heart, will carry on.
And the regret that I possess is that in the aforementioned waiting period, though I did pursue my goals, persist in my hobbies and perpetuate the bonds of friendship and family..
I failed to realize that those moments, those small steps upon the greater path were the "living" and that I could enjoy the first part of the journey "alone" while stepping towards the hopeful destination.
I was fortunate for the time relegated for introspection and character development, whether by God for myself, or life/fate/circumstance for others, afforded me a due date when felt I was thus ready for the second half of my journey. The journey to be shared with my life companion; unbeknownst to us both, walking the same singular line towards each other, perhaps in different paradigms or processes but nevertheless our shared destination being our commonality.
And the retrospective clarity I now possess is that my time "alone" did not render me less of a whole person, but rather helped me to develop into a better person, that I may now actively and maturely contribute to this wonderful partnership. For back "then" I would not have been ready.
Please don't repeat the same mistakes. Embrace the status quo in pursuit of betterment of self. Don't settle for less, however don't think less of yourself if you are still bound for partnership and walk alone. For so many years I thought there was something lacking inside me, and now that I have found what I have been looking for, perhaps mournful perspective for not realizing what I had back then, for not fully embracing the solitude and making the best of my life at the time. For it was no so less wonderful then. The joys are different, the frustrations have shifted , but the preimminent balance is essentially the same.
Love where you are now, enjoy the present, live for today, don't plan your life away for you shall look up such a great amount of time will elapse and you will shake your head in bewilderment over days weeks months lost and all you have left is your to do list and daily planner.

Wedding Thoughts..

The moment more blessed now than while occurring
For then a dream, now manifest reality and thus end yearning
I recall bleached sand, your trembling hand, my mother’s tears
The exodus of all past desolation, disappointment and fears
I felt nary a moment’s hesitation, my focus clear
All chaotic stress now finite, nothing matters but this moment here

I remember looking at the clock’, the toll surreal, four o’clock, 30 minutes left until your wedding and thus your remaining single life and wondering how one should feel. How should I feel? My thoughts are racing and vacillate between random meaninglessness and surprising alacrity of depth as I get ready.
Thought #1-The last three months of chaos, change and frustration dwindling to a dim memory. Financial troubles, lifestyle changes, compromise, the dwindling economy, they all seem too trivial at this moment.
#2-My mascara is close to the expiration date-better hit CVS when I get home
.#3-I am forever to be the wife of the man that I adore, the one who truly fits into mine and my families lives, the quintessential missing puzzle piece that completes the diagram, blocks the empty space and makes all facets uniform and correct.
#4-Don’t forget to spray the insect repellant-you are already up to 7 mosquito bites.
#5-Inconsequential gossip, hurtful drama, broken promises, late arrivals, things that use to affect me and were seemingly grand in their affect now flee in insignificance compared to my new priorities, living with and for this person, helping ;provide a home and stability to his children
#6-If my eyelashes clump I am going to be so pissed.
I eye the satin and pearls that will soon shroud my figure proclaiming my temporary status and more permanent role of bride. As I slide the dress over my head, the satin material feels both cold and comforting.
I bend over to fasten the straps of my gold sandals, stand tall and appraise my reflection in the mirror.
As for my physical appearance-Hair-spiral curls intact, nails-check. Dress-perfect (I actually don’t look fat)
And now for the important confirmation-my inner status
Smile-dazzling and assured of this righteous decision, heart-beating strong and steady in its health and confidence, stance-firm and directed as I literally and proverbially prepare to walk down the sandy path towards my groom and my new life.
A small rap on the hotel room door; the wedding coordinator has arrived to escort me to my parent’s room that they may have the honor presenting me to my love during the ceremony.
My mother will be weepy and breathless; she has waited so long for this day.
And all I can feel is laughter and serenity. I hear the saxophone player start, the din of conversation and laughter as the guests arrive. And in my mind’s eye I see his twinkling blue eyes and clear, sweet smile, and all I can think is “I do, I do, I do!!!”