Get off the see saw

A close friend, divorced after 20 years of marriage to a completely self absorbed and self serving idiot, recently reconnected with a high school friend and began what looked to be a promising courtship. Rusty on dating etiquette and a bit daunted to "get back into the game after years in the penalty box" as she so aptly put it, nevertheless she took a deep breath and jumped into the proverbial dating pool. Unfortunately she did not use her head while diving back into romance, and thus perhaps maneuver intellectually, stepping slowly and considering her periphery, distance, rate of acceleration and velocity needed to make a safe water landing (trust she did not have a seat back to use as a flotation device). However as most novices manuevering impulsively from the heart, she performed an awkward, gangly jump, all legs and ankles and torso, with minimal direction and maximum thrust, resulting in a painful belly flop that bruised both abdomen and heart. After three wonderful first dates with this friend from her past, giddy with renewed feelings of attraction and infatuation, she fell into the requisite school girl mindset that "he could be the one" and began foolishly planning the possibility of their new life in her head. Prior to the fourth date she received a fateful phone call from said romeo basically informing her that while he "cared for her immensely" there was another he had been dating prior to her who decided that she wanted to "try again" and he felt inclined to invest his time and attention there due to lingering feelings. Devastated, I comforted my friend while reminding her that life offers no guarantees, and three dates does not a promise nor obligation make. And while I initially respected this guy for his honesty and what seemed to be an attempt at prevention of hurt on behalf of my friend, respect turned to suspicion and disgust quite quickly. I became a reluctant observer of the pull me, push me game men and woman play when they feel unsure of romantic inclinations and try to pursue multiple options before settling on the right candidate. And this guy was attempting to play my friend this same way. Dating multiple people can be healthy and interesting, if done with honest, open communication of expectation and intent. Everyone has the right to take every opportunity to decide what is best for them. But not the expense of someone else.
However, this guy decided to end things with my friend, and then email her two days later telling her he "could not stop thinking about her." Following my advice, she did not respond to his email. This was followed by an emotional phone call, where he informed her he was miserable, missed her and felt he had made the wrong decision, and that she may be the one. She said he was nearly "in tears". At this point my ire grew to great proportions, as I saw my friend being navigated unwillingly down the vasilating path of indecisiveness written by someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Taking advantage of a vulnerable person by playing upon her feelings and insecurity. The last advice I gave to my friend was that she was a worthwhile, wonderful person, worthy of someone's 100% time and attention, and if this guy truly cared for her he would give her said time and consideration which she so aptly deserved. And while this situation is still in limbo, it brings to mind past dating situations where I was on the see saw, and like the up and down manipulation, my heart would reel from someone's attention, and then plummet with that same individual's indecisiveness and distance. Regaining control in this situation is tantamount to peace of mind, and taking a final step and separating from the person pulling you forward and pushing you back, adding confusion and doubt to an already challenged self esteem provides great release. If somebody wants you and loves you, there is not much that can be done to prevent said singular pursuit. And ultimately people treat you as badly as you let them. I want my friend's first dating experience, though painful, to have a positive outcome in that she learns to walk away from a potentially destructive situation, to get off the proverbial see- saw and take the straight shot down the slide and away from this manipulation. I don't know what the outcome will be, I just know I will be her safe water landing no matter how it turns out.

Love does not hide

I was recently reminded of what I consider the most the most provoking and passionate lesson I learned about love, one that impacted me greatly, leading me to a strengthened realization to never accept less than what I deserve or compromise my ideals for mere companionship. This lesson provided a crucial impetus to leave an ex who had wronged me out of cowardice, not malice. This decision also unwittingly became the source of my latest weekly blog, in the form of an email from said ex after several years of silence. Apparently he had “found” my blog and perused the archives, focusing on one written regarding my sometimes destructive impulsive bent to manipulate my environment due to admitted impatience and try to force feelings or emotions that needed to evolve naturally. He highlighted the text he considered relevant to this compulsion and attempted to use it as justification for our demise, that I “pushed” him to feel for me what he wanted to “happen” naturally. If we had continued at his snail’s pace I may have received a ring and the “love” words I once longed for (that never came) by the time I was too old to hear yet alone comprehend them. And while he was partially correct with regard to my impatience, he seemed to have forgotten the main reason why I left the relationship, his cowardice. Previous to him I had foolishly dated his co worker, and during the course of our relationship I accepted his propensity for secrecy regarding our tryst and the rationale for this elicit behavior, the imagined negative repercussions and affect on his career should it be discovered that he was dating his buddy’s ex girlfriend. Hiding in the grocery store behind the organic tomatoes for fear of discovery and repercussion upon a possible glimpse of his ‘friends’, never attending work functions or events for the same reason. This created unnecessary shame within me and I began to question my self worth, as deep in my heart I knew that true love, the love I desired and deserved, feels neither shame with its origin nor mystery with its evolution. Love derives strength from admission and acknowledgement, with no need to perpetuate a hidden nature or intent. The final realization of this horrific compromise came a mere month before his return from a six month work trip, having notified me that he had to “work” on said date of return and therefore prohibiting me from meeting him after months of longing to see him. In truth he was afraid of his "buddies" seeing me there and thus with him. I saw through this ridiculous ploy and sadly though later thankfully realized that if this individual was willing to let this insecurity navigate his decision and thus override his desire to acknowledge our relationship, that his fear of reprisal proved more substantial than his feelings for me, and that if I accepted this story I would be embracing the ultimate compromise of my self worth. It was quite easy for me to depart the relationship after that. And he is and continues to be a good person. And I would like to think that he regrets this decision and the pain it caused me. The lesson I learned I will pass onto you dear reader. Don’t ever be anyone’s “dark secret”. Love warms in the sunshine and grows in the open air. Its true brevity eclipses any shame or dark intent, if it is genuine. If someone truly loves you, they will be proud to proclaim it loudly, be willing, nay desirous to acknowledge it and you at any given moment, and if it brings shame nor embarrassment then it is not worth the extent of those useless emotions. Love draws strength and realization from wonderful attention and acknowledgment and this perpetuates confidence and truth. This I know, for daily this is demonstrated to me by the one who is proud to love me.