The Christmas Gift Tragedy

If you want a power tool for Christmas, and the pearl earrings waiting for your ears to don them at Bergdorf's are of no consequence, please disregard this blog. However, if you, in the spirit of love, want to "help" your significant other purchase your ideal Christmas gift. If you unselfishly want to prevent his nervous exertion and sleepless nights pondering your pant size, favorite appliance or the advantages of paper vs. plastic in pursuit of gift choices (painfully lost) then read on and prevent another unnecessary tragedy of misguided and inappropriate Christmas gifts. Men do not possess the emotional intuition and detail that drives our decision process; they are practical creatures who make decisions based on logic. This will apply with the ultimately logical decision they will make with regard to your Christmas gift. And women don't want logical for Christmas.
Without your intervention, Christmas morning you once again feign anticipation and excitement over your Christmas gift, and form the ever reliable "fake" smile that pre-empts the poker face you will assume for the rest of the morning as you unwrap the gift (be it a toaster as your husband/boyfriend observed that the previous one burnt your bagels) or a set of tools (as he noticed you hammering a nail into the wall with your stiletto heel) or God forbid, the size 18 pair of "Bongo" jeans that he purchased at the advice of his mother who saw a unique and perfect opportunity at revenge for stealing her precius son. He unfortunately does not realize that size 18 is indicative of a backside nearly 40 inches in diameter nor does he remember that Bongo's hey day corresponded to mullet hair cuts and neon socks. And hello, you don't spend 40 minutes a day on the stair master to fit into your size small seven jeans for nothing. As you provide the requisite "oh you shouldn't have" token response to his precious but incorrect attempt at pleasing you, you resentfully reflect upon the hours he will spend perfecting his verion of Eddie Van Halen's guitar solo with the "guitar hero" Nintendo game set you purchased for him, as you know he does not need guitar lessons but that the 12 year old boy in him still fantasizes about his alternative career as a rock star, groupies and all. Meanwhile you strap on a tool belt, grit your teeth and unsuccessfully convince yourself that would much rather dry wall the front of the house than enjoy a mani, pedi and foot massage at your favorite nail salon.
It is our responsibility to acknowledge and correct this deficit, not walk around in unspoken anger and thus scream at our partner in suppressed frustration when getting your Starbuck's latte order incorrect as you are inwardly seething over his gift purchase.
I highly recommend direct and specific hints regarding Christmas. Especially if you don't have a lovely and knowing man with the foresight to ask you to provide several options as gifts.
1. Whip out your oldest coach handbag, bemoan it's sorry state and reflect upon the imminent and dire need for a replacement, adding the convenience of the Coach outlet store at the nearest outlet mall.
2. Place your feet upon his lap and ask for his opinion on nail shape, color, while innocently reminding him of where you get your nails done, providing salon name, address, zip code and nearest cross street.
3. Walk out in your favorite pair of jeans, while swathed in your favorite scent, sit upon his lap and simply state "I never feel better than when hanging out with my best friends Chanel and 7 denim".
If these attempts fall upon deaf ears and your man's crystal ball is broken, as a last resort you can "fool" your man into hearing your Christmas list. At any sporting event half time, with the assuredness of his "high spirits" place a sticky note on his lap, with a specific list of options. Preface this by apologizing for the latent "wish list" while pretending he had requested this of you weeks ago. He will never deny that he did not request this, merely bow his head in thanks over your forgetfulness and white knuckle the sticky note as the proverbial "Holy Grail". And you will dance around Christmas morning in your new Manolo Blahnick strappy sandals while he signs fake autographs in his boxer shorts.